Why trans awareness events need to reframe their purpose
An interview with Samantha Jayne Nelson, Senior Vice President – Risk Engineer at Marsh, DEI champion, and Models of Diversity Ambassador
When Samantha Nelson came out as trans in the mid-2000s, she had only been networking with others in the LGBTQ+ community for a few years. For most of her 30-some years of life until that point, she’d had to glean what limited information she could from library encyclopaedias and overly dramatic, shock and horror headlines in the Sunday newspapers.
As someone who grew up in a small town in the northeast of England in the 1970s and early 80s, Samantha always felt like a little girl trapped in a boy’s body and didn’t know how or where to fit in. Attending a Catholic school give her hope in miracles and an idealistic view of the importance of helping others and not judging – but also a deep-rooted sense of guilt.
But today’s trans youth may have it even worse
And yet, despite facing such an uphill struggle to find her own self, Samantha says she actually fears more for young people in her position today – precisely because the internet has become a toxic battleground:
“If I wasn’t out yet, using the internet as a source of connection and information, being exposed to the online hate and attacks, then perhaps I wouldn’t have let people see the real me,” she says.
“I believe the vulnerability you display during the leap of faith that accompanies the relieving of your true self leaves you exposed from a mental health perspective. I know that for myself personally if I had faced the vitriolic attacks that are now so commonplace during that delicate period of growth, my mental health would have undoubtedly suffered and it’s highly likely I wouldn’t have made it.”
It’s a horrible irony that the advent of the internet, which initially was such a source of information, inspiration, hope, and self-education for minoritised communities, has become a source of stress and anxiety.
“After I transitioned and started to share my story, I became a passionate advocate for understanding and allyship in the DEI space. I was regularly interviewed by the media and asked to speak at events and that was one of the happiest times of my life, the feeling of having overcome my deepest fears and now being able to help others,” she says.
But since then, she believes the narrative around many minorities has taken a dark turn – not just the trans community: “I worry about people coming through now because of the messaging and the positioning that’s happening,” she says.
“And this is not limited to the trans community. There’s a widespread othering of sections of society. You see it with trans, with different ethnicities, with immigrants. People seem to be looking for others to blame. And it’s got so bad now with attacks in the online space that I limit my online interactions and must constantly assess whether it is safe to engage on certain platforms. I’ll still speak in person at events but tend to limit online interactions.”
The dark politicisation of trans identity
It’s not just the online discourse that’s become a problem, but the change in the way trans identities have become politicised in recent years:
“When prominent politicians can say they want to eliminate trans people from society, when evidence gathering is undertaken to support a pre-determined position rather than to shape a position, then you must question why? What’s going on here? What is the end goal? Because words have power, and the real-world impact can go far beyond the intended political point scoring.”
This is a key reason why Samantha challenges whether trans events such as November’s Transgender Awareness Week or Transgender Day of Remembrance in their current form remain a good idea.
“This is something I’ve struggled with to a degree,” she says. “When I was first invited to speak at DEI events and by DEI-focused organisations, we as a community were still not sure which language to use, or even letters to use as an acronym from LGBTQIA and so on. And I worried then that rather than promote understanding and connection there was a risk of creating niche divisions. Now the promotion of awareness and inclusion has become so polarising that when you enter the arena of public engagement, it sometimes seems you can’t do right for doing wrong. It’s can almost be like painting targets on our backs.”
Having such events is not a bad thing, of course. As Samantha clarifies: “It’s important to be able to recognise your own identity or your own self, know that you are not alone and yes celebrate that to a degree. Anything that connects people in a positive manner should be encouraged.”
But she relates how Trans Awareness Week this November saw certain media outlets putting out largely negative trans-related stories as a form of attack that has become a common distraction technique:
“These celebrations can provide opportunities for adversaries of DEI to focus their negative attention on us, testing our resilience as we run the gauntlet of demonisation,” she says. “The more that hope and acceptance is introduced into the dialogue the louder the counter point seems to become; this cycle needs to stop.”
The inspiring power of genuine allyship
For Samantha, her whole focus as a pro-DEI speaker and campaigner in the 2010s has been to foster understanding and collaboration, to try and break down society’s othering siloes, and to connect people – as well as to celebrate the power of genuine allyship.
This is because, “I think as human beings we all crave connection with others. And while when I was young that resulted in a lot of pressure from my family and teachers to conform with the majority, in this day and age it also means that when I came out people were way more accepting that I had feared.”
From becoming an engineering apprentice in “instrumentation and controls” – an early form of computers that controlled power stations – Samantha went on to work on offshore oil rigs. She rose to become an Offshore Installation Manager (OIM). Along the way – pre-transition – she tried to conform, getting married and fathering two daughters she describes as “wonderful”. The marriage foundered, principally due to the stains of having to live a double life.
Thereafter, the offshore lifestyle provided temporary relief. Offshore, she tried to conform to the male archetypes that had surrounded her throughout her life. Onshore, she was free to explore her identity, present and act as herself, Samantha.
However, psychologically living two lives created as many issues as it solved. And, as Samantha tells it, “Two things happened. The first was that the openness and honesty I was encouraging in my team as an OIM made me acutely aware that when it came to my real identity, I was being anything but open and honest.”
This, along with other pressures, led to significant mental health challenges. “Conscious awakening, as my therapist called it. I was unable to see a way forward and anxiety was devouring me from the inside out.”
Which is when fate intervened: “I had given my phone number to a colleague – one of the very few female OIMs in the industry. Although we typically worked opposite shifts, we managed to have offsite get togethers to talk strategy and work plans a fair amount.”
Shortly after giving her phone number, Samantha began to notice a change in this colleague’s behaviour: “She was acting more pensively, like she wanted to say something but didn’t know how.”
Eventually, this colleague admitted she knew about Samantha’s alter ego that she used when onshore. Samantha had set up a social media presence for her alter ego. Unbeknownst to her, this account was synched to her social media page, so sharing her number with her meant she had also shared photos of herself.
“I remember sitting at a bar in this restaurant and her saying, ‘I don’t want you to worry but I just want you to know that I know about Samantha. You don’t have to do anything or say anything, but if you need any help, I’m there for you,’” Samantha recalls.
She’s still visibly moved as she tells the story: “That was such a powerful moment of change in my life. Because I went from this place where I thought I’d be condemned professionally if anyone ever found out who I was, to this person, this ally, this friend actually stepping in and saying, ‘Look, I’ve got your back. I’m there if you need help.’ This was absolutely lifesaving to me.”
Real-life > digital life
From there Samantha, with the support of her newly-acquired support network, was emboldened to speak to her HR Director and to come out at work. Again, she found the outpouring of support and acceptance a huge relief. And while she believes the support she received was partly because of the goodwill she’d built up as a manager over several years, she also points out that in real life people tend to be accepting and supportive.
“In real life, I’ve never not been accepted, anywhere. And I travel to some pretty faraway places, in the oil industry, Nigeria, the Middle East, South America, India, Jakarta and such like. So, let’s be absolutely clear about this: in real life, no matter where I’ve gone, I’ve never had any issues, I’ve met wonderful people, experienced cultures and learnt so very much.”
This leads to Samantha’s main point about the toxic anti-trans discourse. That to escape it, we must reconnect offline, in real life, build bridges, tear down walls, and see one another on a human level.
“We all have insecurities and fears but I truly believe we have a hardwired need within us as a species to connect with others, as a cohort, a team, a tribe. It’s a primeval need. It’s just that we’ve all become so caught up with digital lives. We work from home in our spare bedrooms but never seem to find the time to speak to our neighbours. We’ve built global online communities while neglecting to foster connection in the real world.”
So, while the trans community shouldn’t run scared from celebrating itself, that’s not where it ends. To overcome division means working proactively and reaching out to others.
“I think at the moment, the way we’ve been steered, the way that we interact now, it’s very insular and it’s very inward looking. Which can be problematic because it exasperates your own insecurities as well.”
The solution may not be easy, but it is simple, Samantha believes:
“Rather than being inward looking, feeding your anxiety, with the false narratives and provocative positions drip fed into your timelines it’s better to be outward looking and ask yourself, ‘What can I do to help? What can I do in my immediate sphere where I can make a difference, a positive difference?’
“I think we do need to try and break the cycle of this inward dialog, this introverted over analysis, and actually go look. There’s more beyond your bedroom, beyond this computer screen and beyond the noise of the internet. There is so much more to life, and when we embrace compassion and realise that we can have such positive impact on others, as neighbours, colleagues, allies, friends. Isn’t that what being human is about?
“Well, that’s the truth I choose.”
To be read whilst listening to Emeli Sande – Read All About It PT III 😊
