Coming Out at Work: Authentic Leadership and Trust

“There’s a Level of Trust You Bring by Being Open”

What it takes to come out after 20 years of marriage

Munich Re Specialty’s Chief Claims Officer Colin Masson didn’t come out at work even years after he had come out to his family, out of respect for them. But when he moved companies and was asked to lead a team of 800, he decided he couldn’t do it unless he was fully himself…

Colin pauses during our conversation. He has just recounted the experience of coming out for the first time to his eldest son. He’s surprised at his emotional reaction, the crack in his voice and the tears welling in his eyes.

Coming out affects everyone differently. For Colin, the weight of coming out to his family after being happily married to a woman for decades was so great that doing the same at work after that was almost easy – and yet he hesitated.

“I always thought of myself as possibly bisexual to a certain extent,” Colin says, “but my wife and I fell in love at university, I was very happy for 20 years, and we had two children.”

So he just lived a heteronormative existence and never really thought about sexuality. “And no one ever asked, and I never really thought about it. There are assumptions people make about you when you’re married with children. And yet often life is not as black and white as that.”

In his 40s, he realised something had shifted within himself and that it had changed to an extent that he needed to deal with it, so “I told my wife, which was very difficult.”

But it’s when Colin remembers telling his eldest son that he wells up. “The very first thing he said to me was, ‘Dad, I think that’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do.’” It’s the intense pride at his son’s reaction that he finds so overwhelming, even now.

He discusses how amazing it was that both his children reacted “so lovingly” to the news. While it was obviously upsetting, he continues to have both their support and that of his wife – a testament to the importance of strong and loving relationships in life.

“My children have met my now partner – and it wasn’t just a question of meeting them. With my eldest son we were in Madrid at the same time, we went to the Prado museum together, and then he invited us out with some of his friends. That’s a really impressive thing for a young man to do.”

You can’t lead a team effectively without being your authentic self

So, after the pressure of coming out to his family, what stopped him from going ahead and doing the same in the office?

“It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, or because I was fearful. It was that I was respectful of my situation with my family and my children. I didn’t want gossip.”

The professional trigger was starting his current job at Munich Re in 2022: “I was taking an executive position, and I felt that I couldn’t really lead that team properly unless I came with a level of authenticity. I knew I had to be myself.”

He came out during a workshop, and he remembers people smiling with apparent acceptance.

“I knew I didn’t want to lie. And then there’s the more positive aspect, which is that I really need to be my authentic self. Did I understand what the implications of that would be? No. But that ability to say that to your team, and for them to understand a little bit more about who you are – it’s immediate.”

What he didn’t expect was the extent to which being open would draw others to him. “People often use me as a confidante about all kinds of things going on in their family that have nothing to do with sexuality, because there’s a level of trust you bring by being open about yourself.”

He admits this can become draining – as can the assumption of responsibility to represent the LGBTQ+ community and educate others.

“Sometimes it means you have to shout a bit louder, and sometimes it means you have to educate people. I do think that’s a constant process.”

And then there’s the exhausting, continuous process of coming out itself. “Obviously you have to keep doing it, which can be annoying. Sometimes I wish I could just wear a badge, and then it’s done. ‘I’m gay. Leave me alone!’”

Genuine inclusion versus box ticking

Despite the occasional frustration, Colin takes his position as a role model seriously. But he finds it a lot easier when the culture around him feels genuinely inclusive.

“There is a difference between an environment which feels inclusive and diverse because it’s something people genuinely believe in, and one which is inclusive and diverse because people are following process and ticking boxes,” he says.

Some employers are keen to be inclusive, but they just don’t “get” it. It’s not necessarily a cynical box ticking exercise; just a lack of understanding.

“Sometimes it’s the difference between somebody who can come up with good, forward-thinking ideas by themselves and someone who gets told by their DEI head to implement certain ideas. Being pulled along on the journey, or driving it, is completely different.”

At Munich Re, Colin perceives “a real appreciation that difference actually produces better results. It’s part of the cultural diversity here – and I mean that from all different angles – it’s just taken as part of who we are.”

The fear is often bigger than the reality

Of course, he recognises that his experience as a senior leader may not be the same as everyone’s. At the same time, “people do have really difficult coming out stories, and I think it’s because of those that people worry. But I think the vast majority are relatively easy.”

In other words, the worry about coming out often “far outweighs” the reality. In his own case “no one has talked about me. I can still go into meetings with people who sit next to people I’ve come out to, and they’ll be like, ‘Oh gosh, I didn’t know!’”

He finds the lack of gossip reassuring, especially in a market well known for it.

And then, more than the lack of negative reaction, comes the positive upside of being open: “How much easier it is for us to then get on with our daily lives – and then you get to see how people truly treat you.”

Don’t push people

That said, Colin has what he calls “a serious message” for DEI leaders: “stop asking people too many questions that they feel uncomfortable to answer. I have sat through workshops where 40 people in a room have been asked to stand up if they’ve ever had doubts about their sexuality.”

The reason is probably obvious to most reading this: “That’s too uncomfortable for the person in the room who is really struggling with it. The aim is to try to create a comfortable environment, and it does the opposite.”

His advice to anyone hesitating: “Go at your own pace. That’s the biggest bit of advice. And if you’re comfortable, find someone in a senior position that you can trust, or someone near you that you can have a conversation about it with.”